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As I sit here with a warm cup of coffee in hand and a rare moment of peace, might I add, its only warm because my sweet husband got me an ember mug last Christmas after hearing the microwave beep one too many times after countless coffee reheatings, I can’t help but reflect on the many moments of “mom guilt” I’ve encountered throughout my journey as a mother. You guys… I’ve only been a mom for just shy of 3 years so to say mom guilt begins early in motherhood would be an understatement. It’s a quiet, well mostly quiet, companion that often creeps in during moments of doubt, self-reflection, or even amidst my busiest days. And if I’m being honest, I still don’t have all the answers on how to silence it—if that’s even possible. If you have figured this one out, please let your girl know.
But I’ve learned a few things along the way, and I want to share them with you, in the hopes that maybe you too, will find a little peace in knowing that you are not alone in this. As with most feelings in motherhood, the loneliness engulfs our minds, but unbeknownst to us…we are just one of the many millions of moms feeling that way.
The First Ripple: The New Mom Guilt
When I first became a mom, the guilt was overwhelming. I remember the endless thoughts racing through my head: “Am I doing enough? Am I giving my baby everything they need? Should I be doing this differently? What if I can’t breastfeed? What if my baby gets sick?”
In those early days, there were moments where I felt I was going through the motions, questioning every decision I made. Every cry, every feed, every nap time was scrutinized under a microscope I had unwittingly placed on myself. I wanted to be perfect for my child (Let’s be honest here… I know the only perfect one is our God and thank goodness for that), to somehow be everything all at once—loving, nurturing, patient, and above all, present. But despite my best efforts, I often felt like I was falling short.
I felt guilty when I needed a break. Guilt when I couldn’t get everything on my to-do list done. Guilt when I wanted to focus on myself for just a moment. Did I ever think before kids, that I would feel guilty for taking a shower or going to the bathroom without a little human being fastened to my hip? Absolutely not. I believed that being a good mom meant sacrificing myself completely. But as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, I started to realize something—burnout is real, and it’s not helpful to anyone, least of all my child.
The Second Ripple: The Working Mom Guilt
Once I returned to work, a whole new level of guilt crept in. I remember the first time I left my little one at daycare. I felt my heart break as I drove away, convinced that I was abandoning my child in some way. I sat in the parking lot of this adorable little daycare nestled in a safe and quaint community feeling like the worst mom for leaving this tiny little child who was literally inside of my womb a mere 9 weeks ago. As tears filled my eyes I thought, “Why am I not staying home? What kind of mother chooses work over her kids?” I know, I know… that’s why it’s called GUILT. “feelings for deserving blame, especially IMAGINED offenses” Key word there, imagined… These were all made-up thoughts in my brain, much beyond my control. Unless you too have experienced the immense hijacking of postpartum hormones, you wouldn’t understand what the brain can produce and make you believe is true.
The working mom guilt was intense. I am a nurse and worked so hard to get my degree. Countless all-nighters, more exams than I can even count. The stress of passing boards, and gaining experience all for it to stop? No way was I giving up on my career because I was going to be a mom (so my naive little mind thought) Until they placed that beautiful 9lb 3 oz little bundle of joy in my arms. Something changed… my mindset suddenly did a complete 180. Career…what career? Do you see this incredible baby girl our God just blessed me with? Yah…no way am I ever leaving her. Then reality hit… My husband is one of the most hardworking, selfless men I have ever met. He protects and serves not only his family, but also our community in one of the most disgustingly underpaid professions… law enforcement. Making ends meet on one first responder salary wouldn’t be easy so I knew I needed to get back to work. As the end of my maternity leave quickly approached, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was going to miss out on something—some precious moment that I would never get back. Even at work, I couldn’t fully focus because I kept wondering what my child was doing at that very moment. Yes, I was that crazy mom, constantly checking for updates on my daycare app to see when her diaper was changed, how much of her bottle she drank, how long she napped…
And then there was the guilt of trying to balance it all—work, home, family, and self. I felt like I was constantly running a marathon, yet never quite crossing the finish line. I would take her to daycare on my way to work, finish my 8-hour shift, head back to daycare to pick her up, get home, and it was basically dinner and bed from there. I couldn’t help but compare myself to others who seemed to have it all together, wondering if I was falling short.
The Third Ripple: The Guilt of Not Doing Enough for Myself
As I tried to juggle the responsibilities of motherhood, I slowly realized that I had neglected myself. I wasn’t taking the time I needed to recharge. A full night’s sleep, a quiet bath, or simply reading a book without interruptions became distant dreams. I longed for a little me time, yet any time I was alone, I wanted to be back with my child as soon as possible.
And guess what? That guilt came knocking too. “How could I be a good mom if I wasn’t taking care of myself?” I thought. But somehow, the guilt of needing rest made me feel like I was selfish, like I was somehow betraying my child by trying to meet my own needs. Why are we this way?
It wasn’t until I reached a breaking point—physically and emotionally—that I understood the truth: You cannot pour from an empty cup. Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. And when I started giving myself the grace to rest and recharge, I found that I was able to show up more fully for my child. I was more patient, more present, and yes, even more loving.
The Fourth Ripple: Introducing Baby #2. Two Under Two
The mom guilt that comes with deciding to have another baby is real and, at times, can feel overwhelming. I always knew I wanted more than one baby. (I was one of those little girls that wanted like 8 kids one day, that’s funny little Kait, really funny) It’s not just about the baby you’re about to bring into the world, but the child you already have. You wonder, Will they feel less important? Will they think they’re not enough? That deep, nagging feeling creeps in—this idea that you’re about to divide your attention, your love, and your energy in ways you’ve never done before. I love this baby more than life itself, how could I POSSIBLY love another baby the same way.
You think back to all the moments you spent with your first, the quiet mornings where it was just the two of you, the way they smiled when you held them close. Now, as you prepare for another, there’s a twinge of fear that you won’t be able to give them that same level of attention, or that they won’t feel as important. Also the guilt that you won’t be able to do those same things, in the same way for this new baby. There’s guilt in knowing that things will change, and not just in the way your day-to-day routine looks, but in the way you and your firstborn navigate the world together.
There’s also a part of you that wonders if it’s fair to bring another child into the world. Are you really ready for the chaos, the sleep deprivation, the never-ending balancing act? Can your heart stretch enough for both of them without one feeling left out? Oh mama, I promise your heart can stretch more than that belly does at 40 weeks pregnant.
But then, amidst all the guilt, there’s that whisper of excitement, too. A new baby means more love, more joy, and more memories to be made. And somehow, despite the fear and the guilt, you know deep down that your firstborn will learn beautiful lessons from this new chapter. They’ll learn about sharing, about loving fiercely, about being a big sibling—and that’s something special in itself. Seeing my two kids together is one of my favorite parts of life. Now that my daughter is 2 1/2 and my son is 10 months, they are becoming little besties. They play together all day every day. Do they nag and bicker already? Of course they do, but you know what…I love it.
The mom guilt is hard, but it’s a reflection of how deeply you care. You’re not making the wrong choice. You’re growing your family, and that’s something to celebrate. ” God has blessed you with these children and that is beautiful.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Psalm 127:3
It might feel overwhelming, but you will see, the minute that child is here, your heart will only grow and your love will multiply. That guilt will slowly turn into something different: love, and the bond you’re creating as a family.
The Realization: Letting Go of Perfection
Through it all, I’ve come to understand that perfection doesn’t exist. No matter how much we try, we can’t do it all, and we certainly can’t do it all perfectly. There will always be moments where I fall short. There will always be days when I feel like I’m not enough. But that’s okay, the beauty of motherhood is often in the imperfect moments, the moments of vulnerability, the moments where we finally decide to give it all to God and be thankful for the grace He gives us each and every day.
What I’ve learned is that the guilt doesn’t need to control me. I am doing my best, and that’s enough. I am enough. It’s a lesson I continue to learn every single day.
So, to all the moms out there who are struggling with guilt, I want you to know this: You are doing an amazing job. You are allowed to have bad days, to need a break, and to not have all the answers. God gives you grace and HE has the answers. They don’t need you to be perfect, they need you to be YOU. Full of love, full of joy, and full of faith. Let us turn to God in the good days and the bad to seek answers and to find solace.
You are loved mama. Your kids love you and the beautiful and almighty God loves you so fully and so completely. I hope you find peace in this. Find peace in the grace God gives us each day. Find grace in the chaos of motherhood and know you were made for this.
“Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.” 1 Timothy 2:15
