The tattoo I got to honor my brother. Morning glory- the flower for the month of September which was both my brother’s birth month as well as suicide awareness month. When a semicolon is present it symbolizes the continuation of a sentence where there could have been an end. Your story is not over. And my brother’s name Jacob Buscher.
Grief- The anguish and deep sorrow experienced after a significant loss, often from the death of a loved one. While this topic isn’t a light one, it is imperative to be open about grief. 2023 has been a year full of significant suffering for my family. Before I get into the devastating events that led to this, I want you to know if you are currently experiencing grief of any kind, please understand your feelings are entirely valid. Whatever it is you may be feeling, it is part of your grieving process, which is okay. (However, if at any point you are feeling you cannot continue, I am encouraging you to reach out to someone or ask for help immediately)
Depending on who you consult, there are 5 to 7 stages of grief. It is normal and healthy for you to experience every one of these stages at different points; it is also normal for you to experience multiple stages in a short time. This can be overwhelming and often confusing. How can the human mind process and experience such a multitude of emotions in sometimes a matter of hours? I am here to tell you it is very possible and incredibly real. These phases include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is also expected and quite common for someone dealing with grief to go back and forth through these stages. One day, you may feel you have finally come to accept what has happened, but suddenly, the following day (maybe a grief trigger is experienced), you find yourself angry and sad again.
January 14, 2023, we lost my 17-year-old brother very suddenly and unexpectedly to suicide. (I will go into more detail on mental health and suicide prevention awareness in another post). My brother and I, while nine years apart in age, were very close. But you see, Jake was kind and friendly with EVERYONE he met. Truly the happiest, goofiest, most fun-loving kid you’d ever meet. He knew how to make anyone and everyone laugh and had a way of ensuring everyone was taken care of, had a ride home, had lunch to eat, you get the idea, which makes this unexpected event even more shocking. I have learned that suicide and mental health issues do not have a “type,” and many who are struggling will put on a brave face for everyone while they are fighting a devastating and dark internal battle. Below is the link to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It is an incredible organization that raises awareness for mental health and suicide prevention.
https://afsp.org/
https://www.wannatalkaboutit.com
Being in my late 20s, I had experienced loss, that of grandparents and pets. Not that a loss you “expect” makes the grief process any easier (because it certainly does not), but this loss shook and forever changed my entire family. My immediate family consists of my parents, my older sister, me, and my brother. Saying we are a close, tight-knit family would be an understatement. We are now navigating life without an incredible part of our family. How does a family learn to continue everyday life when a piece of their heart is gone? Grief, I have learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All the unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and that hollow part in your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
In March 2023, after starting our healing journey, my husband and I found joy in the news that we were expecting our second child! While this happiness came not long after the loss of my brother, we found this blessing to be just that, an incredible blessing. My pregnancy with our daughter (who was almost one at the time) was healthy, and we thanked God each day for not experiencing any complications. I was naïve to think my body was invincible because of this…in late April, I started experiencing some symptoms that, as a nurse, I knew were not “normal” in pregnancy. I prayed and begged God for everything to be okay. Things continued to progress and to make a long and harrowing story short, we lost our little angel baby (another topic I will discuss in a later post). The loss coming so shortly after my brother’s passing brought a feeling of emptiness and sorrow I had never experienced. Why me? Why us? What did I do wrong? All thoughts that I am now sad to have felt… but I know it was the extensive and intrusive grief overwhelming me and my mind. I felt my heart shattering again.
It is now November of 2023. I can honestly say I am a changed woman because of the valleys God brought me through this year. I could sit and continue to ask those selfish questions of “why,”…but why?
“The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23: 1-4.
This specific verse continues to give me so much strength each day. My relationship with the Lord has grown in ways I didn’t realize I lacked before. He has shown me the multitude of blessings I have in my life that I may have otherwise not seen. This year has taught me to appreciate the little things in life. To always be grateful for each waking breath, every morning I rise. The blessings of my family, home, job, and so much more. All of this to say, while this year has challenged me mentally, physically, and emotionally, I have grown as a person, wife, mother, daughter, and sister. I have grown as a follower of Christ.
There will never be a day that goes by that I don’t think about my brother and our baby we lost. But I find so much comfort in knowing they are both in the arms of our Father, and we will be reunited one day. Grief will continue to come and go as we journey through life, but it is how we choose to find our strength after loss and difficult times that is so crucial. I could never have found this strength without my faith and incredible support system. A loving and nurturing husband, parents, family, friends, and church family who continue to help me daily.
I believe grief and growth can serve a direct or proportional relationship to one another. As we experience difficulties in life, such as grief, we can find a way to grow in this journey of life. If you are currently experiencing a period of grief or battling with the stages of grief, please reach out to a professional and know that things will get better. I will never sit here and say loss gets easier, but more so that WE grow around our grief.
Sincerely,
Kait.
