On January 14, 2023, I became a “sibling survivor of suicide”. I remember delving so deeply into the topic of suicide and mental health after my little brother took his own life. I came across the terminology of “sibling survivor of suicide” and felt taken aback by this. I began to realize the message behind this as I found myself in “survival mode” living day to day in a life that felt tremendously different than the one I lived before my brother’s passing. The emotions that came along with his life ending but ours having to continue. This event has changed me as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and who I am as a person. I view the world differently, the fragility of life has become so apparent. My little brother, the one person who should be with you from the start of life, through to the end, is suddenly gone.
Life Changes
I remember waking up each day after he passed and not being able to fully grasp to the permanence of his death. There was no way he was gone. Surely this was a long, very vivid nightmare that I would soon awake from…but that feeling began to fade, and in its place came the rollercoaster of grief. Through research, I soon came to realize this was my body’s defense mechanism against such an immense trauma.
While I had lost grandparents before this and the pain was still present in their passing, there are some losses you can anticipate in life which seems to make the grief mildly more manageable. With my brother’s death, I have found myself grieving a multitude of things. For example, the loss of the life that once was. The familial bonds, the friendship between him and me, the memories we will make that he will not be a part of. The family gatherings, holidays, the birth of my son, and possibly future children that he will not experience with us. He should be there, present in the moment with us. Not just memories and pictures we work so hard to keep alive.
My brother was the youngest sibling out of the three of us. The family dynamic has changed as I am now the youngest. Despite our physical separation of living in different states, as an older sibling (as I was to him) you feel a natural urge to protect your siblings. I remember and still often feel I failed him…How did I not know? Why didn’t he talk to me? I often think back to two weeks prior when we were together for Christmas and he and I were driving just the two of us in the car. It was rainy and quiet but we sat and listened to music and sang together. Just being silly and having fun. I now think of this moment so fondly but remember in the beginning thinking, what if I had taken this time to ask him questions and check in? Make sure he was doing okay.
Mental Health
While mental health is a topic I am so happy to see talked about more, I am finding it is still on such a surface level. A topic that has impacted my life in a way that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
My 17-year-old little (big) brother Jake lost his fight with depression and anxiety.
Jake was the most full-of-life, happy, charismatic, outgoing teenager you’d ever meet. He had a huge group of friends, was too smart for his own good, and could and did go out of his way for complete strangers.
Jake was fighting an internal battle that none of us were aware of. Mental health does not discriminate. It can and does impact anyone and everyone in some way. I wish there had been signs, I wish he had talked, reached out, and hadn’t put on such a brave face for the world. After going through this loss and delving into deep research on mental health and suicide, the ratio of men to women who die from suicide is staggering.
Statistics
Statistics show that men die by suicide 3.9 times more than women. I feel so much of this goes back to the stigma of men feeling they need to be tough and brave and can’t open up about how they truly feel. According to American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, there are an average of 132 suicides a day making it the 11th leading cause of death in the United States. With every suicide, not only is there a precious life that is lost, but there is an entire family mourning, grieving, and trying to heal from this life-changing tragedy. https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/
Healing
While this tragedy has changed my life, my journey through this and the grief of losing a sibling has been one of many deep valleys and steep climbs. I owe the entirety of my healing through loss to our Heavenly Father. I am often asked how I chose to run to him rather than retreat, and my answer is, he came to me. He held me and gave me strength when I had none. I opened his word when I was at a loss of my own. I continually sought his presence when I felt alone. He surrounded me with fellow Christians and family to provide me with endless love and strength. God’s plan is always greater than ours. I remember speaking to my pastor the day after losing Jake. He also lost his brother (under very different circumstances) but still experienced the loss of a sibling. I remember him telling me something that I remind myself of each day. “God has a plan, one much greater than ours. While we may not understand why something happened, we should find peace in knowing that it was always part of our Father’s plan”. God blessed me with the sweetest, funniest, most caring little brother for 17 years. While I wish I had had a lifetime with him, I am so grateful and thank God every day for the 17 years he gave me with him. I have countless fond memories, pictures, and videos with him to look back one. I will make sure our children know what a great person their uncle was.
While I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone, I sure would never wish someone to endure these times without his love and grace. Our God heals all wounds. No fear, worry, or anxiety is too big for him. Cast them unto him.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Philippians 4:6
If you have lost a sibling and are struggling with grief, I pray you reach out to others. Find strength in the Lord and his word. Grief groups and individual therapy can be so helpful as well. Please understand that grief is a journey, a long journey at that. But life will continue on and there is still so much beauty to find in life. I know my brother would never want us to live our lives in sadness and sorrow. He lived his life to the fullest and with so much joy, which was one of the many things everyone loved about him. I know he would want us to do the same.
So many who are fighting a battle with mental health are often ones who care solely for others and may seem entirely okay on the outside. Be sure to check on your friends, family, and loved ones. Be the friend who truly listens and supports when it is needed.
Your struggles and pain do not define you, and it is okay to not be okay, but share what you are going through. You are not alone.
Your life matters.
Sincerely,
Kait
